Menopause after infertility

Menopause after infertility

October is Menopause Awareness month in the UK. For those who find themselves childless due to infertility and unsuccessful fertility treatments the menopause can also raise some additional emotions and feelings that might not be obvious until experienced.

TRANSITIONS AND CHALLENGES

The menopause is a natural transition that can be an empowering and profound life stage.  It offers an awakening - to be fully you whatever your past may have brought and whatever the future might hold.  It’s a time that can connect us to our innate and learnt wisdom and values.  But the menopause can have its challenges as the physical, psychological, and emotional changes it can bring are navigated.

PERIMENOPAUSE OR HOPE FOR PREGNANCY?

Nearly a quarter of IVF treatments carried out in the UK are for those over the age of 40.  This coincides with the average age that perimenopause can begin. Fertility support maximises opportunities to conceive with supplements and self-care enhancing fertility and hormone levels so perimenopausal symptoms might not be experienced or not obviously so.  However, the ending of fertility treatment can coincide with the onset of perimenopause and the menopause.  For those who were unable to conceive, this life stage can trigger a second wave of despair and bereavement after infertility. Certain perimenopausal symptoms can be confused with those of pregnancy and a missed period or physical changes bring false hope.

FOR WHOM THE BODY CLOCK BELL TOLLS

The menopause draws a sharp and definitive line in the sand in the ability to conceive and if you haven’t been able to conceive a child of your own during your fertile years your child-less status can become even more keenly felt and stark.  This is all the harder when you read about women who naturally conceive or unexpectedly fall pregnant during perimenopausal/menopausal years. HRT can even enhance fertility as hormone levels are stabilised.  During my own fertility journey, I held onto the hope of a late pregnancy as I was reminded of my great grandmother who had her last child at 48 and a friend who gave birth at 49.  The monthly highs and lows of trying to conceive remain until the time your body clock chimes the final bell on your ability to reproduce.

ISOLATION IN INFERTILITY EXPERIENCES

The menopause transition can feel like it is full of endings, loss and uncertainty. Sharing your own sadness and regret of not being able to conceive can be difficult especially during chats with menopausal friends when they reveal how broody they might feel, how sad they are that they no longer able to have more children, or how relieved they are that they no longer need contraception or fear an unexpected pregnancy. 

LOSS OF SELF AND MASKS WE WEAR

The menopause can create a sense of loss of self and purpose. This is a feeling that can also be experienced at the end of IVF and fertility treatments, and it can be hard to regain a sense of balance.  If we are not to become a parent, then who are we? Attempts to recover and move on from infertility experiences can lead us to take sometimes unhelpful roles and identities either consciously or unconsciously – trying to be the most popular auntie or uncle, the happiest friend, the hardest working employee as we strive to prove our worth in our child-less status.  Or maybe we fully inhabit the mantle of our sadness at not being a parent wearing it close to the surface for others to see and we take on the role of martyr, sufferer, and wounded unable to move forwards and held back by a sense of lack and loss.

TIME TO QUESTION OUR MOTIVATIONS

There is nothing necessarily problematic in any of the roles we have so carefully adopted, but the menopause provides us with the opportunity to pause and take stock and to question our motivation.   We can also discover that the menopause makes us less patient and accommodating of others agendas and it can be empowering to consider ways to change course or to make peace with roles we cannot easily alter. It puts us in control.

MENOPAUSE - A TIME OF AWAKENING!

Amongst the array of symptoms that can be experienced during the menopause, this time in life can also act as an awakening.  We can discover that the masks we’ve created no longer satisfy or cover up unresolved grief. The menopause causes us to challenge who we are and brings a spotlight onto our entire identity.  Through the menopause transition there is an opportunity to release the roles that no longer serve us and to let go of the deep pain of infertility. The meno-pause can prompt us to stop, ponder, and reconsider how we want to show up for ourselves and how we want to be portrayed in the world.  Rather than continuing to grow into unhelpful stereoptypes, we don’t have to become a “crazy cat woman” and “crone” who is invisible in their child-less state! We can choose different and empowering roles that move us positively forwards without regret or sadness. 

It can be hard to come to terms with the fact that you will never be able to conceive your own child but the menopause offers the opportunity to do just this and to consign the depth of this grief to another chapter in life.  To see it as an important part of our experience that has shaped who we are but not to be defined by it especially as we face the next part of our lives and other potential challenges along the way such as when those around us become grandparents. 

SEEKING OUT SUPPORT DURING MENOPAUSE

We can choose to approach the menopause as a time for rebirth, to prepare for the next wonderful part of our life story.  We can seek out those people in our lives who nourish us and value us for who we are with all our wonderful life experiences as part of what has shaped us along the way.  Sharing our anxieties and concerns with others who have trod the infertility path is also a great way of processing and learning from others wisdom.  I encourage you not to feel isolated or unsure how to move forwards during your menopause and to find the support you need and deserve.  Elm and Bloom was set up to support those who have experienced unsuccessful IVF and infertility so look out for Services, workshops, courses and talks that we offer – I’d love to say hello!

SELF-CARE TODAY!

As this Menopause Awareness month comes to a close I invite you to consider some small gestures of self-care and self-compassion. Identify some gentle ways you can bring self comfort and support in your day today.  Mine is a calming and warming hot drink sipped as I look out of my window at the sky and trees outside.  I wonder what your moment of self-care is going to be?!